I’m ready for a nap. The last of the Christmas parties is over, with children F-1 and F-2 (that would read F negative one and F negative two, my two youngest stepchildren, both adults living on their own) having left about an hour ago. Some jumbled thoughts are in my head on this Christmas season, and I thought I’d post them for all the world to see…er…at least the couple of you who read the blog.
I loved our Advent times. The Fruit loved our Advent times. They really got into the activities, they really learned a lot about not only Christmas traditions, but also the Reason for them. Unfortunately, the activities sort of fell apart the last week before Christmas, because of our busy schedule with medical appointments. I felt bad as two items that I felt were very important, Service Day and Presents for Jesus Day, were passed by in favor of getting a decent night’s sleep or because of bad roads that didn’t allow for us to be traveling about. I’m not sure how I want to fix this next year, except to try to not schedule anything in December as far as appointments go. Maybe that’ll work…maybe it won’t. We’ll just have to see what next year brings.
Christmas was just plain overwhelming. I pulled my usual overcommitment to get things done…I made each of the Fruit something, except for F6 (because I ran out of time). I was up until 11 pm Christmas Eve finishing F4’s pajamas, then I still had to wrap the gifts and stuff the stockings. I was absolutely exhausted all day on Christmas, and honestly didn’t enjoy even one iota of it. The Fruit loved their gifts, even though they weren’t extravagant, which I really appreciate.
Since Christmas, I’ve been vacillating between relaxed joy and near tears. I think my diet the past week and a half has a lot to do with it. Way too many carbs and way not enough protein leads to a cranky me. Perhaps missing my dad has something to do with it as well. This is our first Christmas without him. I think, also, that in spite of the many, many blessings God has given me this season – Fruit who are so loving and humble and gracious, financial blessings that could only be God, family and friends who have shown such love and commitment – I still feel as though something is missing. It is a selfishness on my part…somehow I feel under-appreciated by those who I serve; I feel as though my contributions to this family have gone unacknowledged. This is completely unjustified towards my family. I receive heartfelt thanks every day from various members of the family; I’m told both in words and deeds by them how much they love and appreciate me. Somehow, I want more. So, I’m trying to deal with it, because it isn’t fair to them that I feel this way and/or act out because of those feelings. I’m not sure exactly what it is that I really want…some moments I just want to get in the truck and drive away for a couple of hours that doesn’t include doing anything for anyone but me; other moments, I want to be surrounded by these sweet Fruit and loving husband, and told how much I am appreciated. Sigh. I think it is just the changing of the seasons…for some reason I am melancholy this time of year, and I just need to get through it. I know the truth and that is: 1)God sees all, and knows what I do, and appreciates it for the eternal benefits it will reap for His kingdom, 2)My wonderful husband and Fruit adore me and truly appreciate the things that I do for them and with them, 3)If I continue on in Truth the path will even out for awhile, and I will rest.
Speaking of rest, I’m going to curl up with my knitting for awhile now and try to eek out some rest while the Fruit are busy playing with their new Christmas gifts and all is calm. I’m knitting a prayer shawl and am about halfway through with it. I would love to have it finished by the end of January.